I thought I’d cheat by posting this, while I work on something of substance for tomorrow. These are questions from an e-mail I answered. I’m sure you’ve all gotten these before.
“If you opened this, FILL IT OUT! Learn 44 things about your friends, and let them learn 44 things about you! Tag the person that sent it plus others.”
1. Do you like blue cheese?
I try to encourage blue cheese, because maybe with a little support it won’t be so blue anymore. I want to make it feel gouda.
2. Have you ever been drunk?
So drunk I couldn’t stand – been that sober too. I can’t hold my liquor; someone else has to hold it for me.
3. Do you own a gun?
I don’t own any guns; they don’t even let me around cutlery. They won’t even allow me to use a spork unless I’m wearing my eyepatch.
4. What flavor of Kool Aid was your favorite?
Didn’t know they came in other flavors besides “Red”.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Only when they make me sign a waiver. Or when his nurse is looking at me sympathetically, the way one might look at the horse that finished in last place, and his name is Elmer’s.
6. What do you think of hot dogs?
I think they must confuse the heck out of Koreans. “Ret me get dis straight: there no dog in hot dog?” You know Koreans are really Kolean, but they pronounce it wrong? (That ends the egregiously racist portion of our presentation.)
7. Favorite Christmas movie?
The one with Santa Claus in it. Oh, oh, and the flying claymation dogs!
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning
9. Can you do push ups?
I do chin-ups, because it’s important to stay positive and keep your chin up. Are you sure? Positive.
10. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
One of Mr. T.’s necklaces. I pity the fool who don’t know which one.
11. Favorite hobby?
Scab picking. Recreationally – not pro.
12. Do you have A.D.D.?
13. What’s your favorite shoes?
Never gave it much thought. I would have to say the giant platform shoes PeeWee Herman wore in PeeWee’s Big Adventure.
14. Middle name?
It’s like my other names, but more in the middle, riding the fence.
15. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment.
The Theory Of Relativity; The Theory That Ernie and Bert are homosexuals; and if time travel is ever possible, then there are currently tourists from the future seamlessly roaming around snapping pictures of Gary Busey.
16. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink?
I don’t drink anything regularly. I’m irregular, which is why I drink prune juice every day.
17. Current worry?
I currently have no worries — which concerns me.
18. Current hate right now?
I hate how I can’t think of anything.
20. How did you bring in the New Year?
I didn’t, it just came on its own. I didn’t know I had any responsibility in the matter.
21. Where would you like to go?
Hell in a handbasket, just to see if it lives up to the hype. That and I’ve never been anywhere in a handbasket before.
22. Name three people who will complete this?
William Shatner, Ed Grimly, and Liza Minnelli. (That’s Liza with a z.)
23. Do you own slippers?
Sure, I tell you if I own slippers and the next thing I know you’re stealing my identity, using my credit card to buy land off the coast of Costa Rica to have your Scientologists’ meeting where you hold craft fairs where people make sculptures of ET out of their own poop and say, “I call this piece ‘Reece’s Feces'”.
24. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
I’m wearing a… hey! Nice try, Elron Hubbard.
25. Do you like sleeping on Satin sheets?
I worship satin. I’m a satin worshiper. And old jokes. I’m fond of old jokes.
26. Can you whistle?
I don’t work, therefore, I feel no need to whistle.
27. Favorite color?
28. Would you be a pirate?
If I was a sculptor… but, then again, no. Or a man who makes potions in a traveling show. A pirate’s life’s not for me. And Johnny Depp is a poor man’s Heath Ledger who was a makeshift River Phoenix.
29. What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing or shower.
30. Favorite Girl’s Name?
31. Favorite boy’s name?
Tom Sawyer… no wait! Huckleberry Hound
32. What’s in your pocket right now?
33. Last thing that made you laugh?
Number 28 was pretty funny.
34. Best bed sheets as a child?
What is it with you and the sheets fetish? You ought to see somebody about this. Sheet happens and it’s all your fault.
35. Worst injury you’ve ever had as a child?
Circumcision. (Oh no, I’ve said too much.)
36. Do you love where you live?
I live where I love. It’s a nice place to live, but I wouldn’t want to visit here.
38. Who is your loudest friend?
The one who makes the most noise, obviously.
39. How many dogs do you have?
40. Does someone have a crush on you?
I’ve never been crushed.
41. What is your favorite book?
I get audio books from Perkins School for the Blind. Ever try to listen to audio braille? It ain’t easy.
42. What is your favorite candy?
Whatchamacallit… oh, um. The male version of a Milky Way. Snickers! (Dirty jokes on a so-called Catholic blog?! Sorry… it was my father’s favorite candy bar joke. That one’s for you, Dad!)
43. Favorite Sports Team?
The Washington Generals are due.
44. What song do you want played at your funeral?
Let’s All Drink To The Death Of A Clown