My Halloween costume this year is going to be a hospital johnny. I don’t know why they call it a ‘johnny’; maybe because stevie and bobby were already taken? Dunno.
If you read my previous entry you know that I was being chauffeured back and forth to the ER for problems with kidney stones. All good fun. Well, since that time I have had a few appointments and examinations by people with clip boards and high-tech, state-of-the-art machinery. I had an ultrasound (don’t be fooled by the name, it was actually very quiet), but I asked that they not tell me the sex of the kidney stone — I want to be surprised.
The inaudible ultrasound revealed that, in addition to a kidney stone, I have an asteroid field full of bladder stones. The urologist informed me that these weren’t going away by themselves, so he’d have to go all 21st-century on them with lasers and whatnot. For the past couple of weeks, the Ramones’ “I Wanna Be Sedated” has been looped and playing nonstop inside my hollow skull, and tomorrow I get my wish, as they are going to give me some anesthesia and then release an unmanned predator drone up into my southern territory… or something.
Though they call this procedure noninvasive, yours truly is truly a wuss, so who knows how long I’ll be away from the computer. You won’t get these exciting, glorified status updates for a while; if for no other reason than to siphon as much sympathy as I can from the situation. If, by the grace of God, all goes well (see how dramatic I can be?), I’ll be back to replace these elongated tweet-style personal posts with some profound, illuminating, brainstem-stimulating insights into the out-of-sight.
But maybe I’ll just come back to whine about how painkillers seem to back up one’s plumbing, or the agony of a catheter. I’m sorry, I’d rather have a dentist’s drill up my nose than have some rubber-gloved guy shoving junk up my … junk. After the insertion of a catheter everything goes down the tubes. But I digress.
And some of the Pharisees in the multitude said to him, ‘Teacher, rebuke your disciples.’
He answered, ‘I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out.'” Luke 19:39-40
Oh, and Happy Halloween!